It’s Rules To This Shit…The Ex-Factor Edition


First of all let me clarify the meaning of Ex. I’m using the term very loosely for the purpose of this blog today. So, for all intents and purposes “Ex” refers to anyone you ever did relationship things with. Whether you did major shit with the chic i.e. took trips, introduced her to your parents etc. or minor shit like talked on the phone for more than 3 hours a day she can be your ex.

Take me for instance. I’ve been a student of the “titles complicate things” school of thought for minute now so I wouldn’t have a traditional “Ex” since I haven’t had a traditional girlfriend in some years. Yep, years son.

Still, everyday I find myself swimming through a timeline of tweets from chics whose names are no longer in my phone and I end up feeling like I could have co-written “Marvin’s Room” with the homie Drake. Even though it’s a rare occasion that I actually fall victim to the thirst and call or text an old chic…I do consider it. And that alone is enough to re-evaluate all my morals.

So pay attention because long gone are the days when you can break up with a chic and never hear from her again. Nah son. The struggle is so much realer than that in 2011. The day y’all “break up” odds are you’re gonna know what she had for dinner that night, what Erykah Badu album she’s listening to to get her through the struggle and eventually you’ll know who she’s rebounding with.

TMI? Of course, but what are you going to do, unfollow her? Erase your presence from all online social media networks? Nah, that’s not the move. But there are some rules you need to follow if you want to make it through the 2011 break-up struggle.

5. Cool Out With The Sub-tweets

So the three year situation you guys had just ended four hours ago and you think you can sneak a sub-tweet onto her timeline? Nope. Only Shawn Carter can get away with those kinds of sneak disses. Plus, as many conversations as you two have had over the course of three years you probably can’t sneak anything past her. If you’re feeling the need to sub-tweet you still have feelings for the chic…in which case you lost. Damn.

4. Don’t “@” “RT” or “DM” Her More than Twice A Month
That shit is a misunderstanding waiting to happen. Trust me I’ve violated each and every one of the stipulations in this rule. Even if you both decided to be “grown ups” about it and remain friends, you’re still walking on thin ice son. Depending on how actually cool you and this “ex” were/are you’ll both probably gonna still laugh at/like each other’s tweets. Unless it’s one of those situations where you’re saying to yourself “How was I fucking with a person who says shit like this?” In that case you two should have just been having sex and nothing more.

3. Don’t Tweet Stalk
You know the saying…if you really don’t want find out some shit, don’t search for it. Tweet stalking is all bad in a break up situation. No, trust me. Depending on how far back you go in her timeline you’ll fuck around and find out you were smashing a compulsive liar. There’s no telling how many dude’s were doing backflips in her mentions full of thirst on one of those days you hung up on her and didn’t answer the phone for a week. Yep, the thirst was still there just hanging around her mentions and DM’s waiting for an opportune time son. Don’t go backwards son. Don’t struggle with the past…there’s enough struggle in the present and future for that.

2. Don’t Start Following Her Friends

If you weren’t following her friends before the break-up don’t start now son. If they choose to follow you, cool. But don’t display that kind of thirst by randomly following her girls that you always thought were cute. You should have started following, retweeting and @’ing them in the beginning. This way after you and their homegirl severed ties it would still be slightly ethical for you to be swimming around in their mentions. At this point you’re pretty see-through.

1. Do. Not. Unfollow.

You might be feeling like the best thing to do is just unfollow and make her dead to you. Nah, son. Just the opposite is true. Don’t front…a part of you is still going to want to know what she’s up to. Just think of how bad you’ll look if you unfollow her tomorrow, only to follow her again two weeks from now. Nope. Bad move. Plus, unfollowing her opens you up to all types of internet slander that will go unseen by your eyeballs since you took yourself out of the loop. Just stay in the heat of the struggle and face the shit head on, pause.

That’s it. It ain’t no more to it. I mean, there’s more but if you skipped any of these steps you’re already dead, son.

Don’t ever forget that I don’t really write these shits for your approval, especially from those of you who don’t agree that red kool-aid is the best kool-aid.

Oh, and I must say thank you to the cats that stole my TV and old MacBook. Because of you I’ve gotten a bigger flat screen and finally got myself a MacBook Pro. I’d struggled with that white joint for like three years so I was beyond overdue.

Thanks,

Out.

@thecalculation

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